The term Long Distance Relationship (LDR) is not fancy anymore in this Hi-tech age. More and more people are getting into a relationship that is long distant. There are many unmarried couples as well as married couples who stay miles apart from each other. With greater distance comes the greater challenges. Remember distance is a test and you have to pass that to get your love. Here are some of the things that one can do while in such a relationship to make it work. Though I am writing from a girl’s perspective, the ideas are gender neutral.
If you love someone deeply and he stays far away from you, it’s obvious that you are going to miss him badly. The fact that you can not meet him anytime soon, adds to the woes. Sometimes it gets really unbearable, when you feel low and just want your partner by your side to cheer you up. Sometimes you miss him on special occasions like your birthday or the anniversary date of your relationship. You want to be happy in certain occasions but you feel like you can not be happy to your fullest as he is not with you physically. Sometimes you also feel that your partner do not miss you at all as he rarely admits that. This makes you further unhappy. So, what to do in such situation?
You have to think differently. You have to learn to be happy without your partner. You may wish to spend the evening on your birthday with your partner but if that doesn’t happen do not sulk. Instead celebrate it with your friends and family. Later you can share those happy moments with him. Only thinking about him and missing him will do no good to you. Rather think about what you are going to do when he comes to visit you.
If your partner does not say that he misses you all the time, do not think that he is not missing you. Definitely he misses you but he won’t tell you. Boys and girls think differently. We tend to talk about the things that makes us unhappy in order to cope up with the stress but boys prefer not to talk about the things that they can not change at the specific moment. Try to stay positive and also help him to stay positive. Staying positive will help you to stay in love.
MAKE IT A RULE TO STAY IN TOUCH
Try to spend as much as time together via phone, text messages or video chat. The more time you will spend together the more strong your relationship will be. It’s not possible to devote same amount of time daily but make it a rule to call at least once a day.
SHARE YOUR DAILY DETAILS WITH YOUR PARTNER
Share every details of your day while you talk to your partner. Ask about each others family and friends. Talk about each others childhood and communities. It will help you to have a better understanding for each other.
TRY HEALTHY DISCUSSION TO SORT OUT DIFFERENCES
It is natural that at any point, differences of thought will arise. Try to sort out that by discussing the matter. If something is bothering you then do not avoid it for rectifying in future. If something is bothering you and you need a change state that clearly but never ever start whining. This will eventually lead to a heated altercation and the problem will not be solved. Instead try something like “I am really bothered about this matter” and express your concerns. If possible, also tell him how you will like to solve the problem. Your partner will both listen and try to sort out the matter and you will be amazed to see the power of healthy discussion. Most of the differences can be sorted out if approached in a right manner.
Boys simply hate whining and as soon as they identify your whining tone they will shut off their ears and will not listen to you even if you say the right thing. So, next time be careful and practice to be articulate.
GIVE UTMOST PRIORITY TO EACH OTHER
When you are in a LDR you have to make some sacrifices and give priority to each other over anything else. For example your partner wants to talk to you whole day after a very busy week and you have plans to go to a friend’s house. In that case you have to cancel your plan to visit your friend and spend the day talking to your partner. Try to think it in this way, you had a very busy week and you want to spend the weekend with your partner, but your partner plans to go for a hike. How would you feel about that? You got it right!
Prioritizing each other over anything else will make your relationship even stronger and both of you will feel loved.
INSPIRE EACH OTHER
Share the goals and ambitions in your life and help each other to achieve that. Help each other to dream bigger. Be an inspiration for each other to achieve something great together.
PlAN FOR FUTURE
You should plan about the future of your relationship together. It will help you to believe that both of you are serious about the relationship and want to take it to the next level. Plan about the things you will do when you are together. You both can plan about your marriage also if you feel so.
TRUST EACH OTHER
The basis of any relationship is built upon trust. Have that trust always. Do not suspect any thing wrong just because you are in a LDR. There is a reason why you chose to be in a relationship with this certain person and that is, you can trust him. If not then you should not be in the relationship anyway. So let the trust prevail in your relationship.
AND ONE FINAL THING
If your long distance relationship is successful and eventually you get married then it’s obvious how strong your relationship was. In future you may have problems in your married life but always remember, together you sailed through the thunderstorm and succeeded. Need I say more?
As I am writing this, I am still unhappy. Deep down in my soul an uncanny feeling of sadness is still lingering. I went shopping today and took an auto rickshaw to return to my home. There were total four passengers including me. Normally the auto rickshaw driver starts the journey with six passengers. But as it was late afternoon and he had already a return trip booked, we got lucky and he started with only four of us. Midway, an old woman, about my grandma’s age stopped the rickshaw and told she wanted to go to Abantipur (where my home is). She was very old and she could barely walk. I offered her the backset that was occupied by me and shifted to the blank frontseat. She smiled and mumbled something, maybe a word of blessing.The other passengers on backseat helped her to be seated safely.
Soon after that she began to ask the driver “Do you know where the village panchayat office is?”
“No” the driver replied.
She turned to the other passengers and asked the same thing. Nobody knew that.
I told her that Abantipur is under municipality right now and there is no village panchayat office there. As far as I know, it was under village panchayat even before my birth and I am already twenty five now.
She looked surprised but did not believe me.
“Every body knows where the village panchayat office is then why don’t you know?” she tried again.
Other passengers also expressed their inability to identify such office.
“Where do you want to go, grandma?” I enquired. “Do you know any address, any name?”
She did not reply. She only murmured, “there was a big market and beside that market the office used to be.”
She believed it was still there. As the last stoppage came we all got down but the old woman was still searching for that office that does not exist anymore. The auto driver showed lack of empathy for this elderly, helpless woman and asked her to get down and pay the fare. She seemed confused and helpless. She said it was not the right place and she had no extra money to pay the fair to go back. I too stood there helplessly as I did not know where to send this helpless woman. The auto driver got impatient, so I intervened and paid him the fair and asked him to wait a minute.
“Will you be able to go home if the auto driver drops you to the same place from where you boarded the auto?” I asked.
She nodded feebly but she looked sad. I handed another ten rupee note to the auto driver and requested him to drop her at the same place. The auto driver seemed irritated but I tried to make him understand that it was not her fault. The family members should never have allowed her to travel alone. The driver agreed and started the engine.
I agian turned to the woman and said, “go back to your home, grandma; and never travel alone” and waved at her.”
She smiled faintly and said, “but I came here in search of my home” and waved back at me.
The auto already started running along the dusty road as I stood there with a bunch of sadness and a lump in my throat. The auto disappered after taking a left turn. I also turned back and started for my home with a heavy heart.
Who she was, where she lives, where she wanted to go and where her family members are will always remain a mystery . Her last words will always haunt me for the rest of my life. “But I came here in search of my home.”
It’s very sad to see an elderly woman in a helpless condition like this. But this is no rare event. Incidents like this happen often. We all should remember the hardships our parents endured to give us a better future. Children are never burden for parents then why parents become burdens for children? If we treat our parents like this then what message are we giving to our children? We need to seriously rethink about that.
Finally the marriage ceremony is over and the bride wishes to live happily ever after. Nothing wrong in that thought. Every girl grows up hearing fairy tales, prince charming and happily ever after. The stories do portray wicked step mother and step sisters but wait, all the problems shown in these tales are before marriage. Then enters the prince charming, woos the lady and marries her. All problems are gone. What they don’t show are the problems after marriage. So, we girls believe that life after marriage will be a smooth sail. And if any problem comes we will have our own version of prince charming beside us. Let’s get clear, I don’t have anything against prince charming. Infact he is really loving and caring towards his bride. But there are some minor things that you will have to tackle alone at the initial phase of your marriage.
Scene one: Next day after marriage at husbands place, the bride’s new home. A neighbor aunty enters and asks about the belongings that the bride has brought from her paternal home. After getting the description she asks, “only this much?” My son got this amount of gold ornaments, that amount of cash and these furnitures and those electronic appliances and the list goes on. And there are several numbers of these kind of aunties. What a disgusting thought and talk! The bride is educated, intelligent and have a bright career ahead. She can buy all those things mentioned by the aunty. But the aunties don’t care. We are 21st century girls who believe in gender equalities. We believe the society has also progressed and abandoned these narrow thoughts. But guess we are wrong.
Fact one: You could be a space scientist from NASA but if you are an Indian Bride somewhere in your life you must have met with an “aunty.” Shocking reality right?
Scene two: This time the bride’s mother in law is attacked by some extended family member. “How can you chose such an ugly girl for your such a handsome son. You could have got much more beautiful girl than this. My uncle’s brother in law’s son’s daughter would have been a better match.” “Yes she is right,” adds another two relatives. And suddenly the whole clan is discussing how bad the girl looks. “Oh my god she is dark.” “Her nose is tiny and crooked.” Have you noticed how tiny eyes she have? “Just like an elephant’s eyes.” And the praises go on. Most of the times the mother in law will support them and make a sad face as if the bride is not good enough for her son. She may even say that to the bride indirectly or directly. Actually no girl is good enough for their precious little son.
Fact two: You can look reasonably good but if you are an Indian bride, everybody from the bridegroom’s family (including their house maid) has the right to point out your beauty flaws. And if you are a plain jane and do not care being stylish then only God can save you. In some extreme cases the amount of flaws will be so high that it could hurt your self esteem.
Scene three: A distant related grandma of the husband comes for a visit. She says to the mother in law, “Now that the wife has come your son will not be the same. Now she will take away your son from you, from us. Your son will be estranged.” The aunties and uncles supports the grandma. The mother in law starts to panick to an extent that you too start feeling guilty for no good reason.
Fact three: You could be Mother Teresa by heart but if you have married an Indian boy then apparently you are the cunning black magic expert that will separate their precious boy from the family.
Scene Four: You are getting ready to attend an invitation and you opt for Salwar Suit. Your mother in law approved that dress but wait your mother in law’s elder sister has not. “This salwar suit is so out of taste. What will Mr and Mrs XYZ will think about our family. Tell your daughter in law to wear a decent silk saree instead.”
Fact four: You can be the head of a software company and instruct 100 employees but if you are an Indian bride you have to abide by the dress code that the relatives find decent.
Scene Five: You and your husband are discussing about the probable destinations for a short honeymoon trip. Enters the mother in law and says, “Son, me and your dad have decided to go for a pilgrimage and you two should come along.” The honeymoon trip dies premature death.
Fact five: You cannot plan a honeymoon trip just with your husband in India. You have to include other family members to the honeymoon trip, or should I say no honeymoon trip.
Now coming to the survival strategies part, only thing that can help the bride to get through these problems is; they should possess thick skin.(pun intended). They should not really bother about these problems at all. Girls should be taught at home, the tricks to possess thick skin and also how to shut off eyes and ears. That’s all. If the bride can master these arts then that will not stop others, but she will atleast earn the title of ‘good bahu.’ They can opt for other options also at their own risk. But don’t tell me afterwards that I didn’t warn.
All the above incidents are described in general and are applicable for newly wedded brides. You may not be familiar with all of the characters above. But most newly wedded Indian wife will find some characters and incidents similar. If you find nothing common at all then I must say you are really lucky or you are from any of the fairy lands from Disney.